“You don’t want to give your readers information. You want to give them experiences.”
This is from chapter one, “Show and Tell”, from the second edition of Renni Browne and Dave King’s “Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: How to edit yourself into print”.
Now, first things first, one should be an editor while writing, so it’s probably best to finish that first draft before going into editing mode. I’ve barely started the third arc of “Dream Clover”. I want to look over some things I’ve written in the first two arc, and try editing those, and see what I can come up with.
A lot of my writing for “Dream Clover” has been dialogue with very little narrative. Less narrative than there should be, as a lot of dialogue lacks a backdrop, and the gestures of those speaking.
I’m looking at a paragraph line from day 11:
[Arle said,] “… I’ll explain how to use your jewels to get to Aureum. …”
…
“We should go soon,” Arle continued. “Time acts strangely for those who dream, but for the people of Aureum, it moves consistently. If we arrive soon, you can find a diner to wait in, and I can summon Cecilia. Now, ready your jewels, and follow my instructions.”
The two followed Arle’s words, as Arle explained scenery for the two to picture in their minds. By their imagination, the village around them faded out, and a wooden table and wooden chairs faded in.
“Quick, transform back,” Arle told the two. They did as she said, and changed back into Sarah and Samuel. Moments later, more tables and chairs appeared around the three, surrounded by the building walls of a diner, and people filled the room. The two neighbors quickly pocketed their jewels.
Arle signaled for a waiter. The waiter handed out three menus, then lit the candle at the table as the guests opened the menus. As Sarah and Samuel tried to decipher the foreign writing, Arle signaled for the waiting to lean his ear closer to her. She whispered a message to him. The waiter stood, nodded, bowed, and then headed out of the diner.
The emphasized portion is what could stand to be re-written. Everything is going fine, moving slowly, as the Arle talks with Clover and Shamrock about what’s going on in Aureum. She has them do something, and then BAM, they’re suddenly in Aureum. Things continue to move quickly through some narrative soon after that, and more narrative is spotted here and there following after.
But I’ll focus on this one paragraph.
Maybe something more like this:
“Traditionally, special mirrors were calibrated to focus reflections of places to travel to,” Arle explained. “With an absence of mirrors, you’ll have to imagine where you want to be.”
“How can we imagine it if we’ve never been there?” Clover asked.
“That does make things more difficult,” Arle agreed, “but I have a plan. Both of you, close your eyes, and picture the following. A diner. A small place, with about 20 round tables, four chairs each. The lights are dim, and each table has a candle on it, lit only if someone is dining there.
“There’s a bar, and a bartender. The bartender has a funny mustache, and no beard. When he’s not preparing a drink, he’s always wiping out an empty mug with a dirty cloth.” Arle held back a sign, and the two kept their eyes closed, but nothing changed around them. “There’s a piano in the corner, and an upbeat tune is being played. Waiters and waitresses both wear dark-colored outfits, trying to blend in and not be seen when they’re not at a table waiting on guests.
“An attendant boy brings in a delivery, bottles of various drinks. The bartender graciously accepts them. They came as a gift to his diner from a customer who’d appreciated the service there.” Arle sighed, quickly holding a hand to her mouth after. “Sorry. I just expected to be standing in the diner by now.”
His eyes still closed, Shamrock felt to his left for Clover’s hand. He took his hand in hers, causing Clover to open her eyes, and look at him. His eyes remained closed as he held out his right hand. “There’s no way Clover and I can see exactly the same thing, let alone what you’re recalling. Help us visualize.”
Following Shamrock’s lead, Clover held her left hand out. Arle lifted her arms up, placing her hands into a light grip among the two. The three of them closed their eyes.
“Concentrate,” Shamrock told her, his earring glowing.
“I can see it so clearly in my mind,” Arle said. The village surrounding the three filled the minds of the magical two, but the scenes Arle had described slowly seeped into their minds. Clover and Shamrock could see the bartender wiping that glass mug, and they could hear the music of the piano. The village houses faded out of view as the walls of the diner appeared. A wine rack took its place behind the bartender. A small stage for performance appeared to the left of the bar, with the piano on its right. Beside the piano, the next wall stretched until a door appeared, and the final wall gave a place for guests to check in their hats and coats.
A wooden table appeared behind Shamrock, then a few more further back. Chairs visualized, one right beside Clover. People faded into view. The three opened their eyes to find the diner around them, and people looking at them.
“Follow me,” Arle said, giving the two a tug before releasing their hands. She lead them thought a side door. “Quick, transform back. We’ll lay low here in the pre-kitchen for a while, then head back out there like nothing happened.” Following Arle’s instructions, the neighbors transformed back, and quickly pocketed their jewels.
“What about them?” Sarah asked, nodding toward a small number of people washing and peeling vegetables in the room, none of whom gave any reaction to the three.
“They’re just slaves. They won’t give us any problem.”
After waiting, the three finally left the pre-kitchen, and took seat at an unused table.
Arle signaled for a waiter. The waiter handed out three menus, then lit the candle at the table as the guests opened the menus. As Sarah and Samuel tried to decipher the foreign writing, Arle signaled for the waiting to lean his ear closer to her. She whispered a message to him. The waiter stood, nodded, bowed, and then headed out of the diner.
I extended this a little to cover transforming back, since I changed a scene a little related to this. The narrative sending the kids back outside is a last-minute rush job addition, as was the addition of the waiter lighting the candle at the table.
There’s still room for improvement all over the place, such as with: Arle apologized for her rudeness in leaving the two to work through unreadable menus. She recommended a few choices, then the two visitors gave her their orders.
But, I think this is nice for a start.
It’s fine for Aureum to have a piano and other Earth-like things because Aureum is surrounded by continents containing dreams from other worlds. They may not use advanced technology, but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been Aureumis who’ve taken ideas from dreamers and made them a reality in Aureum. I should find a way to noting this somehow, a way of using Earth technology and non-Earth technology. The mirror reference helps pull together the use of mirrors, something Shamrock and Clover have done in the first arc, and something they’ll come to see later on here in the second arc.
Oh yeah, and I’ve effectively turned a section of about 150 words of mostly narrative to over 650 of mostly showing! Now that’s some nice progress. It’s not about the word count, but transforming narrative into an actual scene by its very nature will increase the word count. You’re taking a summary of what happened and you’re bringing it to life as a scene of what’s happening.
Did I need to read an editing help book in order to do this? No. But having the book reminds me precisely of what to look for to improve, and how to go about improving it. I’m sure, however, that there will be things in “Self-Editing for Fiction Writers” that’ll make me say, “Wow, I never considered that!”
